Fighting

Eating right is so hard for me. When upset or bored I find myself wanting to fall back into my bad habits of overeating unhealthy foods and snacks. Chocolate calls my name and I want that feeling of being overstuffed while regretting my binge eating.

Every day is a fight to stay on the road I am currently traveling on. There are some days that I just want to give up and surrender to eating but then I think of all the work I have put in and the benefits I have felt so far. And so I stop and only binge a little and get back to my road.

Always moving forward, sometimes falling then getting back up and continuing to move forward. Always moving forward.

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Safe

As a child I was never safe and so I worked hard to make my own home safe as an adult. The feeling of safety was most important to me; safety was a comfortable blanket allowing me to sleep throughout the entire night without fear.

I let you in and showed you my true self. I was vulnerable in front of you; truly naked for the first time in forever. That was my gift to you because I loved you and I meant it when I said my vows.

Then you held me down, laughing in my face, trying to force yourself on me. I tried to fight you off but you were too strong. I got quiet and retreated deep into my safe place and surrendered. But then something brought me back, I screamed and screamed until finally you got off of me laughing. I fell to the floor and at that moment I knew that this was it. I felt the last of my love for you die and then I got up took a deep breath; told you to leave my house and my life.

After changing all the locks and locking the windows I started reclaiming my safety in my own home. I cleaned the house completely removing all traces of you.

Now I feel safe again and I will never make that same mistake again – EVER!!

Dating Adonis

While driving to work a few days ago I started thinking about the time I dated
a bodybuilder type guy, I’ll call him Adonis. His body was amazing! He was
pure muscle, every inch of him was hard and yes I knew that because I ran
my hands all over his body on multiple occasions! LOL……………. He looked
like he could give the men in the bodybuilding competitions a run for their
money.
I could not get over the fact that he was able to carry me so easily! I got
piggyback rides and he would carry me right back to bed like a million times
without complaint or much effort. It was wonderful to not have to worry
about if I was hurting the guy I was with because I’m much heavier than he
is. I was in heaven!!!!………………. Then came the rules and regulations to
being with Adonis. I had to be submissive to him in and out of the bedroom. I
had to get permission to do things I did on a regular basis and if he said no
than I could not do whatever it was. For example, if I wanted to go shopping
for myself with my own money, I had to ask permission and if he said
yes then I could go shopping. I tried to see if we could compromise maybe
just be submissive in bed only but according to Adonis it was not up for
negotiations and that was the only way we would be together. After taking a
day to think about the fabulous sex with him and being carried like I weighed
nothing ……………… I had to let him go. I do not regret my decision but once
in a while, I  find myself thinking about Adonis’ amazing body and I smile.
I am okay being with myself until I find the person who is just right with me.
Yes there is a really big chance that I never find that person at which point I will
continue enjoying being by myself!