6 months to live

Last year we each took time off to drive our grandmother to her radiation treatments. And in the end, it seemed to be working, She felt better! But now the cancer is back and she is dying. I haven’t said that out loud yet.

I have been watching my mother slowly lose her mother and all I want is to hold on tight to my mother and never lose my mommy. I watch as my mother cries for her mother and I stay strong for my mom.
I went to visit my grandmother while she was in the hospital. My grandmother was a small woman in a huge hospital bed. We laughed together and talked, then we took pictures. My grandmother is now at a rehab and I have not been there to visit. For right now I just can’t go there. I know it’s selfish and I will go but not right now. My mother is not going to tell my grandmother that she has 6 months to live and the doctors are amazed that she is still alive right now. My mother’s reasoning is that if she tells her then grandmother will stop fighting, she will give up and die now.

The way I’ve been dealing with this is by writing. My sister and I wrote a script called 3 Generations of Us. We want our grandmother to be able to watch a film we created and be able to understand it because it will be filmed in Swahili and an English version . 3 Generations of Us is about a Kenyan American family living in America and the day to day things that go on in immigrant families. It’s based on the women in my family and my grandmother is the main character. I’m working to get it done so that she can see it before she dies.

I love my grandmother and don’t want her to die. I have to be strong for my mother because when my grandmother is gone, my mother will need me to be strong. I pray for my grandmother’s pain to stop and for us to have time with her.


Once you go white….

Tonight I talked to an older Caucasian gentleman in his 50s. He made me laugh and was pretty nice to talk to. There might be a date in the near future, and I’m open to it. 🙂 You know what they say, once you go white…. Personally I don’t care about race, just want someone who wants me as I am and treats me well.

Should I lower my standards?

I don’t want to lower my standards. I refuse to. But after talking to these men, I’m beginning to question myself. Have I set the bar to unbelievably high?
Should I lower my standards?
Or maybe compromise on a few things? Like be happy that he has a job but deal with the fact that he has no car. Or be fine with the street English since he is ready to commit to me.
But I know myself, it will come back up and eventually those are the things that will make us break up (at least from my end).
And so, I will wait for the right person. He’s got to be somewhere. And I have a bunch of awesome things to keep me busy while I passively wait.

The picture

I saw a picture of us the other day – smiling and happy. So full of love
As I looked at that picture, I didn’t feel the pain of my broken heart
I didn’t feel the loss I felt for you
I didn’t feel the grief
It was just a picture; A picture from my past
I put the picture in a box with all the other pictures from my past
And then I went on with my life.