Yup, I still don’t want kids!

My mother and aunt ended up going to Kenya to take my grandmother’s body back home to have her rest in her plot of land next to my grandfather’s grave.

And I volunteered to take care of my aunt’s two kids (my nephews). The original deal was that my sister and I would take turns sleeping at their house at night for the three weeks that my aunt was away. Then my aunt added that we need to take them to church on Sundays, okay fine. Then she added that we need to attend two concerts one of my nephews is in and film them. Wow, this is eating into my me time!

Then my nephew added that he needs a rides to basketball practice. Oh there are two doctors’ appointments we need to take them to. The list started to grow and grow and all I could think about was the none Me time I was going to have!!

I am not the surrogate parent so I should not be expected to take care of them to the level that their mother would take care of them! Think more babysitter instead.

I am not getting paid, I have to spend my money on things they need, I have to sleep on their so very uncomfortable sofa and I don’t get keys to the house!

As the list of mandatory activities increased I realized two things: 1- yup, I still do not want kids! And 2-I don’t know how parents do it! I’m tired over worrying over these kids and I just want my wonderful life back!! One week down; two weeks left to go.

 

No, I can’t pick out that penis in a line up!!

I recently hung out at a friend’s house; a guy passed by and my friend mentioned that he is so and so. I was like okay cool to meet you. After he left my bestie tells me that I know him. I looked at her as I tried to remember said dude but I came up blank.

Later I asked my bestie to fill me in. It turns out that dude; we will call him The Palette Cleanser, had been a one night stand for me. I could not remember him at all. That’s when I realized that I really don’t remember all the dudes I’ve slept with. Unless they stood out somehow like really, really great sex or they were super bad in bed; then I maybe, just maybe I might remember him………. So if there was a lineup of penises and I needed to pick out The Palette Cleanser’s penis I could not.

Later on I remembered the circumstances that had brought me to have sex with The Palette Cleanser. A crap load of years ago, I was single and decided to meet some dude for sex, he talked so much about how amazing he was in bed (that’s when I should have known) blah, blah and I was like okay let’s do this. I met him and the sex was not up to my standards (and yes I blame him). I quickly got out of there with the old “I got an emergency call and I have to go now” excuse. I got in my car, called bestie and told her about the horrible sex I experienced. She told me about this guy who would get the taste of bad sex off of me. I called him and ended up having great sex! When he went to shower, I left without saying good bye and it felt wonderful! In “normal” life a palette cleanser is something that removes the taste of something really strong and then you are ready to enjoy the next meal. He cleansed my palette and so I named him The Palette Cleanser. I never expected to ever see him again but life is funny like that. I don’t think he remembers me and even if he does; hopefully he will continue acting like we just met now because that is my plan……………. And yes I will deny any and all previous knowledge of The Palette Cleanser! Lol!!!!

Grandmother

The last time I saw my grandmother was in the hospital Intensive Care Unit. I had to put on a gown and gloves before going into her room because she had tested positive for MRSA.

She was barely conscious and seemed even smaller than the last time I had seen her.

I talked to her as I lightly touched the top of her head. I held her hand for a time. Her hand was so small and fragile in mine.

Yesterday I woke up at 4am, I didn’t have a reason to wake up, I just did and I could not fall asleep. I felt good and watched TV for about an hour before I went back to sleep.

Later that morning, I got the news that my grandmother died at 4:20am. I feel that my grandmother was letting me know that she’s was going and it was okay. I told this to my sister and she said that she had a dream about my grandmother. I think that this was my grandmother talking to my sister.

The next time I saw my grandmother, she was in her bed at the nursing home, my mother, aunt and cousin were there. I hugged each of them then sat. I don’t know what to do in these situations. My grandmother is the first dead body I’ve seen as an adult and I’m happy to say that I was fine; it didn’t feel weird. I remained silent for most of the time and answered questions when asked.  My cousin kept trying to convert me to his religion (he’s some type of Catholic and he is super religious).

Then my aunt’s boyfriend’s family came – and the long prayers began, reading of Bible scriptures, talking and more talking.  I just wanted everyone to shut up!

I wanted silence, a time to just sit and talk to grandmother, not talk around her or through her. But just talk to her once more.

Finally the guy from the funeral home came, another long prayer was needed. Then my aunt started crying and not letting my grandmother go. They all broke out in song. I was the only one who had no idea what the song was. I stood there dried eyed and completely fascinated with how the funeral guy was moving my grandmother’s body from the nursing home bed and onto the gurney. It wasn’t like in the movies, there was no big plastic black bag. They used the sheets from her bed and then he covered her with another sheet that he brought with him. My mother walked with him to the car outside then came back.

We packed her stuff, and then I hoped that they would go away and let us just be.

We were finally outside – my aunt’s boyfriend’s family decided that they would come to my mother’s house and assist. The original plan was I would go with my mom to her house and we would look for whatever documents were needed for the funeral home to send the paperwork to the Kenyan Embassy in New York so that they would allow my grandmother to be sent back to Kenya.

His family each drove with my mom and aunt and I followed in my car. Once we got to my mother’s house. The woman (my aunt’s boyfriend’s sister, who is pushy) began to want to clean and wanted to make tea. I asked my mom for the list of documents and it ended up that only my grandmother’s social security number was needed since my mom had already given the funeral home her passport. I found the number and wrote it down. Then there was a fuss about packing away things and now there must be tea. When I was told to go to the store to get food. I just freaked out, I put down my pen and said that I had to go. And I left. I text my mother letting her know that I was going home and I just can’t do people. (I’m not a people person)

My freak out wasn’t rational, but I couldn’t be with those people one more second with their suffocating conversations and small talk. We don’t talk ever, why must they now invade my life at this vulnerable moment? So, now I caused a scandal in the family and I caused an embarrassment.

There is a question, of whether or not I’m going to go to Kenya for grandmother’s funeral. I want to support my mom but after my freak out yesterday I don’t know if I can handle people and their questions in reference to my grandmother. It will be magnified since it will be my extended family and all others who want to eat for free since funerals go on for long and you have to feed the people.

So far I’ve decided that if my sister goes then I will go since she is the nice one and I only have to interact with people on a limited basis. But if she can’t go, then I’m not going. Hopefully my mother will forgive me……………. some day.

 

 

 

 

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6 months to live

Last year we each took time off to drive our grandmother to her radiation treatments. And in the end, it seemed to be working, She felt better! But now the cancer is back and she is dying. I haven’t said that out loud yet.

I have been watching my mother slowly lose her mother and all I want is to hold on tight to my mother and never lose my mommy. I watch as my mother cries for her mother and I stay strong for my mom.
I went to visit my grandmother while she was in the hospital. My grandmother was a small woman in a huge hospital bed. We laughed together and talked, then we took pictures. My grandmother is now at a rehab and I have not been there to visit. For right now I just can’t go there. I know it’s selfish and I will go but not right now. My mother is not going to tell my grandmother that she has 6 months to live and the doctors are amazed that she is still alive right now. My mother’s reasoning is that if she tells her then grandmother will stop fighting, she will give up and die now.

The way I’ve been dealing with this is by writing. My sister and I wrote a script called 3 Generations of Us. We want our grandmother to be able to watch a film we created and be able to understand it because it will be filmed in Swahili and an English version . 3 Generations of Us is about a Kenyan American family living in America and the day to day things that go on in immigrant families. It’s based on the women in my family and my grandmother is the main character. I’m working to get it done so that she can see it before she dies.

I love my grandmother and don’t want her to die. I have to be strong for my mother because when my grandmother is gone, my mother will need me to be strong. I pray for my grandmother’s pain to stop and for us to have time with her.

Should I lower my standards?

I don’t want to lower my standards. I refuse to. But after talking to these men, I’m beginning to question myself. Have I set the bar to unbelievably high?
Should I lower my standards?
Or maybe compromise on a few things? Like be happy that he has a job but deal with the fact that he has no car. Or be fine with the street English since he is ready to commit to me.
But I know myself, it will come back up and eventually those are the things that will make us break up (at least from my end).
And so, I will wait for the right person. He’s got to be somewhere. And I have a bunch of awesome things to keep me busy while I passively wait.

The picture

I saw a picture of us the other day – smiling and happy. So full of love
As I looked at that picture, I didn’t feel the pain of my broken heart
I didn’t feel the loss I felt for you
I didn’t feel the grief
It was just a picture; A picture from my past
I put the picture in a box with all the other pictures from my past
And then I went on with my life.

Gym bag essentials

Gym bag essentials.

I workout during my lunch hour while at work, twice a week now. I pack a gym bag, change, workout, shower and go back to work. I always seem to leave something out and so I decided to make a checklist because I refuse to leave something next week and going forward!

Here’s my list:

  • Gym bag
  • hairbrush
  • haircap
  • hair tie
  • towel
  • slippers for the shower
  • sneakers
  • shirt
  • pants
  • underwear
  • socks
  • sports bra
  • bottled water
  • snack
  • deodarant
  • paper towel
  • hydrogen peroxide – yes I’m a wierdo who wipes her armpits with hydrogen peroxide, before drying and applying deodarant
  • ibuprofen
  • keys
  • lotion/vaseline
  • cellphone
  • headphones
  • watch

Let me know what you pack in your gym bag

What is your purpose as a woman?

What is your purpose as a woman? He asked after I told him that I don’t want to ever have kids. I had to look around the room because I seriously thought that I was getting pranked. But there were no cameras, there was just me, him and his stupid words hanging in the air, accusing me of not doing my duty as a woman. As if the only reason I was put on earth was to produce children.

I started to apologize for not wanting to have kids. But then I got angry. How dare he question my purpose!

Yes I do have a purpose! I haven’t figured it out yet but I know for sure that it’s not to have kids. For me my purpose in life changes as I grow and change. I love writing scripts and I feel that for now that is my purpose.I want to share my stories with the world through film. So we will see what happens.

And for the record, I’m not putting down women who want to have kids. It’s just not my thing and that’s okay.