What is your purpose as a woman?

What is your purpose as a woman? He asked after I told him that I don’t want to ever have kids. I had to look around the room because I seriously thought that I was getting pranked. But there were no cameras, there was just me, him and his stupid words hanging in the air, accusing me of not doing my duty as a woman. As if the only reason I was put on earth was to produce children.

I started to apologize for not wanting to have kids. But then I got angry. How dare he question my purpose!

Yes I do have a purpose! I haven’t figured it out yet but I know for sure that it’s not to have kids. For me my purpose in life changes as I grow and change. I love writing scripts and I feel that for now that is my purpose.I want to share my stories with the world through film. So we will see what happens.

And for the record, I’m not putting down women who want to have kids. It’s just not my thing and that’s okay.


Bachelor Number 2 Vs Bachelor 3

Bachelor number 2 did not understand why I said no to his invitation to go “hang out” at his house. He had a day off and he wanted me to take the day off work and hang out with him. So I had done the meet and greet that he wanted and I was very straightforward in letting him know that dating me means actually taking me on dates that involve actual activities. Anyway, he failed and I moved on.

Along came Bachelor number 3. He was very muscular and totally sweet to me. We talked on the phone a bit and had a date set for the weekend. Before the weekend, we had the weirdest argument. He had asked if I masturbate or not and what I do. I stupidly answered, I said I masturbate mostly in the mornings and I use a vibrator on my clit and that gets me there! Whatever happened, he wanted to hear me masturbate over the phone so said that masturbating is “me time” and I don’t share it with someone else. He got mad and started saying that if I was his woman how could I be denying him sex and he would have to beg for it all the time. It got weird really quick. Then he said that I am not like all the other girls he has been with and why am I different. So I was done at that point since this was the tenth time that I had to hear how I was different from all the other girls he has been with and I told him he should go be with all those other girls. And to enjoy his jumping to conclusions by himself! Anyway, he said he was done with me and hung up. I looked at the phone, then continued washing my dishes. Yes I was washing dishes at the time and I went on with my life. I was a little sad that it ended way before it started because I know I would make an awesome girlfriend but I will not settle! And I am fine being single if Mr. Awesome boyfriend never shows up.

Several days later Bachelor number 3 sent me a text saying that he missed me. I looked at the text, shook my head and deleted it. You only get one shot with this woman so as Beyonce (one of my favorites, in the song “Sorry”) sang – “I put my dueces up!” and blocked his number; BYE bachelor number 3!

Bachelor Number One vs Bachelor Number Two

This past weekend I found myself with two meet and greets with two men with potential.

Bachelor Number One wanted to meet up Friday evening. I recently read an article that said that when women date they change their schedules and try to include their guy in what they do while men continue with their plans and add the woman into their lives. So at first I was going to skip going to the gym and go see him but then I remembered the article and asked if we could meet up after the gym. He agreed.

Bachelor Number Two wanted to meet Saturday morning. I did not have other plans so no complication there.

On Friday, after work I went to the gym and after I finished I sent a text to Bachelor Number One since I wanted him to know that I was about to go take a shower and then I would be ready to meet him. He did not respond so I called him. He answered with a tired sleepy voice. Weird. He said he fell asleep. He made no mention of  whether or not we were still on to meet. So I asked and he gave some dumb answer. I hung up the phone upset that I didn’t know that he was going to cancel sooner because then I would have attended this exercise class that I wanted to attend. Anyway, my Friday night plans were a bust. Later on, Bachelor Number One sent me a long series of texts saying how he didn’t think I cared about actually meeting up. I was going to be in my gym clothes anyway, it’s not like I was going to get really dressed up. He was going to have to drive for one hour. As I read his texts, I started getting pissed off not because he canceled but because he was listing all the reasons how it was okay because of my actions; instead of apologizing and letting me know his plan to make it up to me. In the end, I blocked him and continued with my life.

Saturday morning I woke up not expecting too much from this second meet and greet. Bachelor Number Two arrived early at our designated meeting spot. I got into his car and we went to the park. We talked and ended up taking a nice walk together. When we started walking, he immediately took my hand into his and we walked hand in hand. For a few minutes I felt self conscious because he is German/Italian and I am not. There were several African American men and I felt that they would judge me or say something about the dark-skinned woman with a white guy. After a few minutes, I said to heck with it! Why am I letting people who are not invested in making me happy dictate my happiness. And so I left that thought process alone and focused on holding hands with Bachelor Number Two as we hiked up a small hill. His kisses were great and by the time we went back to the car I knew that if he asked me on a real date; I would actually say yes! Who knows what the future will hold but I look forward to finding out!

Neighbor Wars

Didn’t you hear me say sorry?? ………………………                                                                                   You fat b***h, how about you go on a diet, you fat b***h!                                                                 I’m glad you got robbed! Next time, I’m not moving the car, you fat b***h!

For as long as I have lived here, my neighbors across the street, block me in my driveway or block me out of my driveway. Even when there are available spots to the right or left that would not block me. This has been an ongoing thing.

Yesterday, I came home to, surprise, surprise, I was blocked out of my driveway. As usual, I parked, opened my gate and went back to my car. One of my neighbors, a young woman of about 24, came out of the house, said “Sorry” and moved the car. I said nothing. I waited for her to move the car and parked into my driveway. From the way she angerily jumped out of her car and briskly walked over to my driveway, I figured that she might say something crazy and so I got out of my car and waited by the car.

Didn’t you hear me say sorry?

Me: If you were truly sorry then you would change the behavior.

Her: You fat b***h, how about you go on a diet, you fat b***h! Telling me to change the behavior! How about you go on a diet, you fat b***h! I’m glad you got robbed! Next time, I’m not moving the car, you fat b***h!

Me: Have a great evening.

Her: Shut the f**k up! Don’t tell me to have a good evening or a blessed day, you fat b***h!

In between all this, her boyfriend walked outside and walked back into the house. A group of kids came out of their house and stood by the door. Then eventually an older woman came outside and said “sorry” to me.

I told the woman that it was fine. Meanwhile, the original girl told the older woman not to apologize. I finished collecting my items from the car, closed my gate and went into my house.

Fat b***h = I was not mad that she called me that. I am a fat woman but that is not all I am.

go on a diet = I have already changed my eating habits and I work out. But more importantly I set goals for myself in all aspects of my life and I am actively working towards them. This girl, I see her with her boyfriend and that’s it, she is not in school nor do I ever see her go to work.

I’m glad you got robbed = Earlier this year a masked man jumped into my driveway from my neighbor’s driveway (not this girl’s) and robbed my sister and I at gunpoint. I told none of my neighbors because I will not show you my weakness and one of them knows who did it. The masked man was never caught. My mother talked to most of the neighbors and told them that we had been robbed and as expected, no one knew anything. But now they knew that I had been robbed. For this girl to say she was glad that I was robbed, that hurt my feelings because my sister and I could have died. But at least now she exposed who she really was – a stupid person who thinks that she will not be robbed eventually.

Next time I’m not moving the car = So she will continue doing what her and her family and friends have been doing for years now? Girl please, give me a threat that I can care about!

Shut the f**k up! Don’t tell me to have a good evening = I said it once and I was done.

This girl is the same girl who several months ago came running to me asking for help when her boyfriend was almost robbed at gunpoint by some men in a car except he ran away.

The reason I told her that if she was truly sorry then she would change the behavior is because her stupid sorry reminded me of the way my ex-husband would fling the word sorry at me after one of my many detailed investigations concluded that he was cheating on me yet again. He would say sorry, get caught again, I would confront him and he would say sorry and the same cycle would continue over and over. For people like him and her, they believe that by saying the word “sorry” their sins are absolved and they have a clean slate to continue doing the same thing because as long as they say sorry, everything is fine. But it’s not fine. Their words are empty, not sincere and actually insulting.

After she said sorry and came back to say did I hear her say sorry – Girl please, understand that I don’t have to accept your hollow “sorry” and that is my right as the injured party. But in this case she got upset that I did not accept it and began her ill fated attack of words on my person.

My hope for her is that she receives the same courtesy that she has shown me. For someone who is in the wrong to take the moral high ground with her as she did with me. And I wait for the day that she will be robbed (because in the town we live in, it’s not a question of if you will be robbed but of when you will be robbed) and she will come to my door asking if my cameras recorded anything. I will look at her straight in the eye and tell her that my cameras did not. I also hope that she continues to stand by all that she said, I hope that she will never apologize to me because she stands by her words. At that point, I might have a smidgen of respect for her, which will be erased by the next time she asks for my help!



I thought

I thought that we were friends

Until you took a sledge hammer to my rose-colored gasses and I finally saw what you think of me.

You see as a dumb person, someone less than you; a circus elephant performing tricks for your enjoyment

I was a true friend to you but now                            I mourn the loss of the friend I thought had.


Eating right is so hard for me. When upset or bored I find myself wanting to fall back into my bad habits of overeating unhealthy foods and snacks. Chocolate calls my name and I want that feeling of being overstuffed while regretting my binge eating.

Every day is a fight to stay on the road I am currently traveling on. There are some days that I just want to give up and surrender to eating but then I think of all the work I have put in and the benefits I have felt so far. And so I stop and only binge a little and get back to my road.

Always moving forward, sometimes falling then getting back up and continuing to move forward. Always moving forward.


As a child I was never safe and so I worked hard to make my own home safe as an adult. The feeling of safety was most important to me; safety was a comfortable blanket allowing me to sleep throughout the entire night without fear.

I let you in and showed you my true self. I was vulnerable in front of you; truly naked for the first time in forever. That was my gift to you because I loved you and I meant it when I said my vows.

Then you held me down, laughing in my face, trying to force yourself on me. I tried to fight you off but you were too strong. I got quiet and retreated deep into my safe place and surrendered. But then something brought me back, I screamed and screamed until finally you got off of me laughing. I fell to the floor and at that moment I knew that this was it. I felt the last of my love for you die and then I got up took a deep breath; told you to leave my house and my life.

After changing all the locks and locking the windows I started reclaiming my safety in my own home. I cleaned the house completely removing all traces of you.

Now I feel safe again and I will never make that same mistake again – EVER!!

Dating Adonis

While driving to work a few days ago I started thinking about the time I dated
a bodybuilder type guy, I’ll call him Adonis. His body was amazing! He was
pure muscle, every inch of him was hard and yes I knew that because I ran
my hands all over his body on multiple occasions! LOL……………. He looked
like he could give the men in the bodybuilding competitions a run for their
I could not get over the fact that he was able to carry me so easily! I got
piggyback rides and he would carry me right back to bed like a million times
without complaint or much effort. It was wonderful to not have to worry
about if I was hurting the guy I was with because I’m much heavier than he
is. I was in heaven!!!!………………. Then came the rules and regulations to
being with Adonis. I had to be submissive to him in and out of the bedroom. I
had to get permission to do things I did on a regular basis and if he said no
than I could not do whatever it was. For example, if I wanted to go shopping
for myself with my own money, I had to ask permission and if he said
yes then I could go shopping. I tried to see if we could compromise maybe
just be submissive in bed only but according to Adonis it was not up for
negotiations and that was the only way we would be together. After taking a
day to think about the fabulous sex with him and being carried like I weighed
nothing ……………… I had to let him go. I do not regret my decision but once
in a while, I  find myself thinking about Adonis’ amazing body and I smile.
I am okay being with myself until I find the person who is just right with me.
Yes there is a really big chance that I never find that person at which point I will
continue enjoying being by myself!

Happy Divorce Month Anniversary!

Last year, this month, a judge freed me from my marriage shackles. I had finally won my freedom after a long battle.

It was on that day that I began the rest of my life. I began exercising and doing all the things I had always wanted to do.

I am not perfect but I am finally happy and becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin as each day passes.

I have come far and I will continue on my journey.

I hope that if you are unhappy, that you find the strength to change your life. It will be scary and it will suck ……….. for awhile …………. but then you will find your happy so go for it!!!!

Happy Divorce Month Anniversary to me!

The Bastard Executioner

This show has the elements that I enjoy – hot guys, Medieval setting, knights and strong willed women.

The main character is a “simple” man who is a farmer and married to his pregnant wife. They are dirt poor but clearly there is love in their marriage and excitement in the upcoming birth of their child. Then a few things happen and the course of his life changes. (This is me trying very hard not to tell you what happens …… and yes it is super hard…… LOL)

Two other characters that I liked are the Baroness and Annora. The Baroness is a smart woman who tolerates her verbally abusive husband and throughout the season we see how she comes into her own. Annora is a woman who has visions and assists the main character find his way……………. or more like the way she wants him to go…………

I enjoyed this show!