Yup, I still don’t want kids!

My mother and aunt ended up going to Kenya to take my grandmother’s body back home to have her rest in her plot of land next to my grandfather’s grave.

And I volunteered to take care of my aunt’s two kids (my nephews). The original deal was that my sister and I would take turns sleeping at their house at night for the three weeks that my aunt was away. Then my aunt added that we need to take them to church on Sundays, okay fine. Then she added that we need to attend two concerts one of my nephews is in and film them. Wow, this is eating into my me time!

Then my nephew added that he needs a rides to basketball practice. Oh there are two doctors’ appointments we need to take them to. The list started to grow and grow and all I could think about was the none Me time I was going to have!!

I am not the surrogate parent so I should not be expected to take care of them to the level that their mother would take care of them! Think more babysitter instead.

I am not getting paid, I have to spend my money on things they need, I have to sleep on their so very uncomfortable sofa and I don’t get keys to the house!

As the list of mandatory activities increased I realized two things: 1- yup, I still do not want kids! And 2-I don’t know how parents do it! I’m tired over worrying over these kids and I just want my wonderful life back!! One week down; two weeks left to go.

 

No, I can’t pick out that penis in a line up!!

I recently hung out at a friend’s house; a guy passed by and my friend mentioned that he is so and so. I was like okay cool to meet you. After he left my bestie tells me that I know him. I looked at her as I tried to remember said dude but I came up blank.

Later I asked my bestie to fill me in. It turns out that dude; we will call him The Palette Cleanser, had been a one night stand for me. I could not remember him at all. That’s when I realized that I really don’t remember all the dudes I’ve slept with. Unless they stood out somehow like really, really great sex or they were super bad in bed; then I maybe, just maybe I might remember him………. So if there was a lineup of penises and I needed to pick out The Palette Cleanser’s penis I could not.

Later on I remembered the circumstances that had brought me to have sex with The Palette Cleanser. A crap load of years ago, I was single and decided to meet some dude for sex, he talked so much about how amazing he was in bed (that’s when I should have known) blah, blah and I was like okay let’s do this. I met him and the sex was not up to my standards (and yes I blame him). I quickly got out of there with the old “I got an emergency call and I have to go now” excuse. I got in my car, called bestie and told her about the horrible sex I experienced. She told me about this guy who would get the taste of bad sex off of me. I called him and ended up having great sex! When he went to shower, I left without saying good bye and it felt wonderful! In “normal” life a palette cleanser is something that removes the taste of something really strong and then you are ready to enjoy the next meal. He cleansed my palette and so I named him The Palette Cleanser. I never expected to ever see him again but life is funny like that. I don’t think he remembers me and even if he does; hopefully he will continue acting like we just met now because that is my plan……………. And yes I will deny any and all previous knowledge of The Palette Cleanser! Lol!!!!

6 months to live

Last year we each took time off to drive our grandmother to her radiation treatments. And in the end, it seemed to be working, She felt better! But now the cancer is back and she is dying. I haven’t said that out loud yet.

I have been watching my mother slowly lose her mother and all I want is to hold on tight to my mother and never lose my mommy. I watch as my mother cries for her mother and I stay strong for my mom.
I went to visit my grandmother while she was in the hospital. My grandmother was a small woman in a huge hospital bed. We laughed together and talked, then we took pictures. My grandmother is now at a rehab and I have not been there to visit. For right now I just can’t go there. I know it’s selfish and I will go but not right now. My mother is not going to tell my grandmother that she has 6 months to live and the doctors are amazed that she is still alive right now. My mother’s reasoning is that if she tells her then grandmother will stop fighting, she will give up and die now.

The way I’ve been dealing with this is by writing. My sister and I wrote a script called 3 Generations of Us. We want our grandmother to be able to watch a film we created and be able to understand it because it will be filmed in Swahili and an English version . 3 Generations of Us is about a Kenyan American family living in America and the day to day things that go on in immigrant families. It’s based on the women in my family and my grandmother is the main character. I’m working to get it done so that she can see it before she dies.

I love my grandmother and don’t want her to die. I have to be strong for my mother because when my grandmother is gone, my mother will need me to be strong. I pray for my grandmother’s pain to stop and for us to have time with her.

Should I lower my standards?

I don’t want to lower my standards. I refuse to. But after talking to these men, I’m beginning to question myself. Have I set the bar to unbelievably high?
Should I lower my standards?
Or maybe compromise on a few things? Like be happy that he has a job but deal with the fact that he has no car. Or be fine with the street English since he is ready to commit to me.
But I know myself, it will come back up and eventually those are the things that will make us break up (at least from my end).
And so, I will wait for the right person. He’s got to be somewhere. And I have a bunch of awesome things to keep me busy while I passively wait.

Gym bag essentials

Gym bag essentials.

I workout during my lunch hour while at work, twice a week now. I pack a gym bag, change, workout, shower and go back to work. I always seem to leave something out and so I decided to make a checklist because I refuse to leave something next week and going forward!

Here’s my list:

  • Gym bag
  • hairbrush
  • haircap
  • hair tie
  • towel
  • slippers for the shower
  • sneakers
  • shirt
  • pants
  • underwear
  • socks
  • sports bra
  • bottled water
  • snack
  • deodarant
  • paper towel
  • hydrogen peroxide – yes I’m a wierdo who wipes her armpits with hydrogen peroxide, before drying and applying deodarant
  • ibuprofen
  • keys
  • lotion/vaseline
  • cellphone
  • headphones
  • watch

Let me know what you pack in your gym bag

What is your purpose as a woman?

What is your purpose as a woman? He asked after I told him that I don’t want to ever have kids. I had to look around the room because I seriously thought that I was getting pranked. But there were no cameras, there was just me, him and his stupid words hanging in the air, accusing me of not doing my duty as a woman. As if the only reason I was put on earth was to produce children.

I started to apologize for not wanting to have kids. But then I got angry. How dare he question my purpose!

Yes I do have a purpose! I haven’t figured it out yet but I know for sure that it’s not to have kids. For me my purpose in life changes as I grow and change. I love writing scripts and I feel that for now that is my purpose.I want to share my stories with the world through film. So we will see what happens.

And for the record, I’m not putting down women who want to have kids. It’s just not my thing and that’s okay.

Bachelor Number 2 Vs Bachelor 3

Bachelor number 2 did not understand why I said no to his invitation to go “hang out” at his house. He had a day off and he wanted me to take the day off work and hang out with him. So I had done the meet and greet that he wanted and I was very straightforward in letting him know that dating me means actually taking me on dates that involve actual activities. Anyway, he failed and I moved on.

Along came Bachelor number 3. He was very muscular and totally sweet to me. We talked on the phone a bit and had a date set for the weekend. Before the weekend, we had the weirdest argument. He had asked if I masturbate or not and what I do. I stupidly answered, I said I masturbate mostly in the mornings and I use a vibrator on my clit and that gets me there! Whatever happened, he wanted to hear me masturbate over the phone so said that masturbating is “me time” and I don’t share it with someone else. He got mad and started saying that if I was his woman how could I be denying him sex and he would have to beg for it all the time. It got weird really quick. Then he said that I am not like all the other girls he has been with and why am I different. So I was done at that point since this was the tenth time that I had to hear how I was different from all the other girls he has been with and I told him he should go be with all those other girls. And to enjoy his jumping to conclusions by himself! Anyway, he said he was done with me and hung up. I looked at the phone, then continued washing my dishes. Yes I was washing dishes at the time and I went on with my life. I was a little sad that it ended way before it started because I know I would make an awesome girlfriend but I will not settle! And I am fine being single if Mr. Awesome boyfriend never shows up.

Several days later Bachelor number 3 sent me a text saying that he missed me. I looked at the text, shook my head and deleted it. You only get one shot with this woman so as Beyonce (one of my favorites, in the song “Sorry”) sang – “I put my dueces up!” and blocked his number; BYE bachelor number 3!

Bachelor Number One vs Bachelor Number Two

This past weekend I found myself with two meet and greets with two men with potential.

Bachelor Number One wanted to meet up Friday evening. I recently read an article that said that when women date they change their schedules and try to include their guy in what they do while men continue with their plans and add the woman into their lives. So at first I was going to skip going to the gym and go see him but then I remembered the article and asked if we could meet up after the gym. He agreed.

Bachelor Number Two wanted to meet Saturday morning. I did not have other plans so no complication there.

On Friday, after work I went to the gym and after I finished I sent a text to Bachelor Number One since I wanted him to know that I was about to go take a shower and then I would be ready to meet him. He did not respond so I called him. He answered with a tired sleepy voice. Weird. He said he fell asleep. He made no mention of  whether or not we were still on to meet. So I asked and he gave some dumb answer. I hung up the phone upset that I didn’t know that he was going to cancel sooner because then I would have attended this exercise class that I wanted to attend. Anyway, my Friday night plans were a bust. Later on, Bachelor Number One sent me a long series of texts saying how he didn’t think I cared about actually meeting up. I was going to be in my gym clothes anyway, it’s not like I was going to get really dressed up. He was going to have to drive for one hour. As I read his texts, I started getting pissed off not because he canceled but because he was listing all the reasons how it was okay because of my actions; instead of apologizing and letting me know his plan to make it up to me. In the end, I blocked him and continued with my life.

Saturday morning I woke up not expecting too much from this second meet and greet. Bachelor Number Two arrived early at our designated meeting spot. I got into his car and we went to the park. We talked and ended up taking a nice walk together. When we started walking, he immediately took my hand into his and we walked hand in hand. For a few minutes I felt self conscious because he is German/Italian and I am not. There were several African American men and I felt that they would judge me or say something about the dark-skinned woman with a white guy. After a few minutes, I said to heck with it! Why am I letting people who are not invested in making me happy dictate my happiness. And so I left that thought process alone and focused on holding hands with Bachelor Number Two as we hiked up a small hill. His kisses were great and by the time we went back to the car I knew that if he asked me on a real date; I would actually say yes! Who knows what the future will hold but I look forward to finding out!

Neighbor Wars

Didn’t you hear me say sorry?? ………………………                                                                                   You fat b***h, how about you go on a diet, you fat b***h!                                                                 I’m glad you got robbed! Next time, I’m not moving the car, you fat b***h!

For as long as I have lived here, my neighbors across the street, block me in my driveway or block me out of my driveway. Even when there are available spots to the right or left that would not block me. This has been an ongoing thing.

Yesterday, I came home to, surprise, surprise, I was blocked out of my driveway. As usual, I parked, opened my gate and went back to my car. One of my neighbors, a young woman of about 24, came out of the house, said “Sorry” and moved the car. I said nothing. I waited for her to move the car and parked into my driveway. From the way she angerily jumped out of her car and briskly walked over to my driveway, I figured that she might say something crazy and so I got out of my car and waited by the car.

Didn’t you hear me say sorry?

Me: If you were truly sorry then you would change the behavior.

Her: You fat b***h, how about you go on a diet, you fat b***h! Telling me to change the behavior! How about you go on a diet, you fat b***h! I’m glad you got robbed! Next time, I’m not moving the car, you fat b***h!

Me: Have a great evening.

Her: Shut the f**k up! Don’t tell me to have a good evening or a blessed day, you fat b***h!

In between all this, her boyfriend walked outside and walked back into the house. A group of kids came out of their house and stood by the door. Then eventually an older woman came outside and said “sorry” to me.

I told the woman that it was fine. Meanwhile, the original girl told the older woman not to apologize. I finished collecting my items from the car, closed my gate and went into my house.

Fat b***h = I was not mad that she called me that. I am a fat woman but that is not all I am.

go on a diet = I have already changed my eating habits and I work out. But more importantly I set goals for myself in all aspects of my life and I am actively working towards them. This girl, I see her with her boyfriend and that’s it, she is not in school nor do I ever see her go to work.

I’m glad you got robbed = Earlier this year a masked man jumped into my driveway from my neighbor’s driveway (not this girl’s) and robbed my sister and I at gunpoint. I told none of my neighbors because I will not show you my weakness and one of them knows who did it. The masked man was never caught. My mother talked to most of the neighbors and told them that we had been robbed and as expected, no one knew anything. But now they knew that I had been robbed. For this girl to say she was glad that I was robbed, that hurt my feelings because my sister and I could have died. But at least now she exposed who she really was – a stupid person who thinks that she will not be robbed eventually.

Next time I’m not moving the car = So she will continue doing what her and her family and friends have been doing for years now? Girl please, give me a threat that I can care about!

Shut the f**k up! Don’t tell me to have a good evening = I said it once and I was done.

This girl is the same girl who several months ago came running to me asking for help when her boyfriend was almost robbed at gunpoint by some men in a car except he ran away.

The reason I told her that if she was truly sorry then she would change the behavior is because her stupid sorry reminded me of the way my ex-husband would fling the word sorry at me after one of my many detailed investigations concluded that he was cheating on me yet again. He would say sorry, get caught again, I would confront him and he would say sorry and the same cycle would continue over and over. For people like him and her, they believe that by saying the word “sorry” their sins are absolved and they have a clean slate to continue doing the same thing because as long as they say sorry, everything is fine. But it’s not fine. Their words are empty, not sincere and actually insulting.

After she said sorry and came back to say did I hear her say sorry – Girl please, understand that I don’t have to accept your hollow “sorry” and that is my right as the injured party. But in this case she got upset that I did not accept it and began her ill fated attack of words on my person.

My hope for her is that she receives the same courtesy that she has shown me. For someone who is in the wrong to take the moral high ground with her as she did with me. And I wait for the day that she will be robbed (because in the town we live in, it’s not a question of if you will be robbed but of when you will be robbed) and she will come to my door asking if my cameras recorded anything. I will look at her straight in the eye and tell her that my cameras did not. I also hope that she continues to stand by all that she said, I hope that she will never apologize to me because she stands by her words. At that point, I might have a smidgen of respect for her, which will be erased by the next time she asks for my help!