The last time I saw my grandmother was in the hospital Intensive Care Unit. I had to put on a gown and gloves before going into her room because she had tested positive for MRSA.

She was barely conscious and seemed even smaller than the last time I had seen her.

I talked to her as I lightly touched the top of her head. I held her hand for a time. Her hand was so small and fragile in mine.

Yesterday I woke up at 4am, I didn’t have a reason to wake up, I just did and I could not fall asleep. I felt good and watched TV for about an hour before I went back to sleep.

Later that morning, I got the news that my grandmother died at 4:20am. I feel that my grandmother was letting me know that she’s was going and it was okay. I told this to my sister and she said that she had a dream about my grandmother. I think that this was my grandmother talking to my sister.

The next time I saw my grandmother, she was in her bed at the nursing home, my mother, aunt and cousin were there. I hugged each of them then sat. I don’t know what to do in these situations. My grandmother is the first dead body I’ve seen as an adult and I’m happy to say that I was fine; it didn’t feel weird. I remained silent for most of the time and answered questions when asked.  My cousin kept trying to convert me to his religion (he’s some type of Catholic and he is super religious).

Then my aunt’s boyfriend’s family came – and the long prayers began, reading of Bible scriptures, talking and more talking.  I just wanted everyone to shut up!

I wanted silence, a time to just sit and talk to grandmother, not talk around her or through her. But just talk to her once more.

Finally the guy from the funeral home came, another long prayer was needed. Then my aunt started crying and not letting my grandmother go. They all broke out in song. I was the only one who had no idea what the song was. I stood there dried eyed and completely fascinated with how the funeral guy was moving my grandmother’s body from the nursing home bed and onto the gurney. It wasn’t like in the movies, there was no big plastic black bag. They used the sheets from her bed and then he covered her with another sheet that he brought with him. My mother walked with him to the car outside then came back.

We packed her stuff, and then I hoped that they would go away and let us just be.

We were finally outside – my aunt’s boyfriend’s family decided that they would come to my mother’s house and assist. The original plan was I would go with my mom to her house and we would look for whatever documents were needed for the funeral home to send the paperwork to the Kenyan Embassy in New York so that they would allow my grandmother to be sent back to Kenya.

His family each drove with my mom and aunt and I followed in my car. Once we got to my mother’s house. The woman (my aunt’s boyfriend’s sister, who is pushy) began to want to clean and wanted to make tea. I asked my mom for the list of documents and it ended up that only my grandmother’s social security number was needed since my mom had already given the funeral home her passport. I found the number and wrote it down. Then there was a fuss about packing away things and now there must be tea. When I was told to go to the store to get food. I just freaked out, I put down my pen and said that I had to go. And I left. I text my mother letting her know that I was going home and I just can’t do people. (I’m not a people person)

My freak out wasn’t rational, but I couldn’t be with those people one more second with their suffocating conversations and small talk. We don’t talk ever, why must they now invade my life at this vulnerable moment? So, now I caused a scandal in the family and I caused an embarrassment.

There is a question, of whether or not I’m going to go to Kenya for grandmother’s funeral. I want to support my mom but after my freak out yesterday I don’t know if I can handle people and their questions in reference to my grandmother. It will be magnified since it will be my extended family and all others who want to eat for free since funerals go on for long and you have to feed the people.

So far I’ve decided that if my sister goes then I will go since she is the nice one and I only have to interact with people on a limited basis. But if she can’t go, then I’m not going. Hopefully my mother will forgive me……………. some day.










High Strung

A beautiful ballerina………… a handsome bad boy violinist ………….

The enemy is a handsome, rich, arrogant violinist.

The underdog is a handsome, poor, arrogant violinist.

Between the two is our beautiful ballerina.

The one part that I enjoyed the most – was a musical fight between the two violinists (it isn’t a physical fight but a fight through music), I never knew that violins could be so masculine and tough………

I enjoyed this movie because it reminded me of my love for Yanni – who made classical music ohhhh so sexy! The other themes of the movie are love, hard work, friendship and bad boys who make you almost forget the goals you are working towards. This is a wonderful music that made me want to dance and blow the dust off of my violin and give my emotions life through music and dance…………….

Let me know your thoughts on the movie.

Working on loving my body

I usually take an aqua class three times a week. During the walk from the women’s locker room to the showers and then the long walk from the showers to the pool, I always cover the lower half of my body with my towel and then once I get by the water I quickly remove my towel and get into the water fast. Today I realized that I am not comfortable with showing my body in a one piece bathing suit. I decided to walk from the locker room to the showers and then into the pool without covering my body.

As I walked past the mirrors, I actually looked at myself. My thighs are thick and rub together, I have a big butt. I looked at the mirror and said “F*** IT!” And I walked showing everything! It was very scary and I was not comfortable but I DID IT!!!!

I plan to walk without my towel at least once a week while heading to the water so that it helps me continue on my journey of learning to love myself.

To everyone out there, just love your body – no matter what you feel is “not perfect” on yourself – just love your body!


I hate you dad but ………….

I grew up never really knowing you. You were that man who always beat me for the smallest infraction. So to me you were that monster I hated.

Now years later, I still don’t know and I still hate you.

The other day my father’s best friend told me that I have so many characteristics just like my father. I wanted to punch him in the face!

How dare you say I’m like that stranger, like that man whom I have hated for so long!

Days later, my dad liked my Facebook page for a web series I am working on and it felt good that he had liked the page and written a nice comment.

I suddenly became angry with myself as I realized that I wanted my dad’s approval.

I hate you dad but it seems I am not above wanting your acceptance

I hate you dad……………… but……………………… nope, still hate you!

Review of Portrait of a Serial Monogamist

I just watched the movie Portrait of a Serial Monogamist on Netflix.

First of all, if you are not okay with lesbians, do NOT watch this movie, I repeat, do NOT watch this movie.

The movie is about a woman who lives in Toranto, Canada and she has perfected the way to break up with someone without all the mess . In the movie, we watch as she uses her method on her current girlfriend of five years who lives with her.

I enjoyed the movie and I would definelty recommend it for someone looking for a movie focused on the “breaker” and not the “breakee”. It put things in prospective for me – since I am usually the party that gets broken up with, I now learned a few things and might just be the breaker in the future (and NO that is not what I was supposed to learn from the movie LOL!). ENJOY and let me know your thoughts!

Review of the Kia Soul

I recently had the opportunity to ride in the Kia Soul and I impressed by the car.

There was enough head room when I was sitting in the car, my head did not touch the roof. I did not have an issue getting in and out of the car – in terms of I did not feel like I was getting up from the floor. It was just as easy getting in and out of it as it is getting in and out of my SUV.

It was surprisingly roomy! And it had the backup camera, which is totally AWESOME!!!!

In the future I would definitely consider buying this car!

Great conversation or penis?

Today I had an interesting conversation with a stranger. And at times during the convo I had the opportunity to practice my flirting – practice makes perfect after all.

Later on as I recounted some of the story to my friend, he made a comment along the lines of be easy, don’t jump on his penis.

I began to think…… and I realized that if I were to be presented with a good conversation or a penis – I will pick a good conversation.

And that’s when I found out that I’m old – LOL – I mean more evolved!! 🙂

Here is to many more great conversations!

Shopping for clothes

Today I went clothes shopping with my guy bestie. It was amazing! Men shopping is soooo different from what I do!

Bestie kept like stretching the sleeves of each shirt he was interested in. After seeing him do this a bunch of times I asked him what that was about. He explained that he was checking for the wrinkle factor – if it is too thin = it will wrinkle easier and need ironing which he does not want to do.

He put his arm into the arm of a shirt and decided he did not want it. He never tried on any clothes!!! And he was done with the store within like 20 minutes!!

I learned about the different types of men’s underwear – boxers, boxer briefs, etc. But I will never buy a dude underwear – as Jennifer Lopez says “I ain’t your mama” (one of her songs that am in love with!).

Let me tell you how I shop. First off, I have to be in the mood for trying on clothes, i have to be feeling cute and not feeling bloated.

I walk around the entire store picking out all the outfits I am interested in, in my size and one size bigger. Then I take my huge collection of clothes to the dressing room and try everything on. As I try on each article of clothing I divide them into three piles, which are: 1-love it, will buy it 2-maybe 3-heck no. Some fit better than others and I begin to question everything in life each time something does not fit. Then I scrutinize my maybe pile, deciding what I will actually buy.

Finally I make my way to the register, checking out earrings, purses, shoes and underwear. I check out and leave. Total time there, at least an hour.

Once home, I spend several days searching through websites for more clothes and sometimes I order, sometimes I don’t.

All in all, I enjoyed my guy shopping experience! 😊😊

July 4th, 2016

Happy July 4th everyone!!

I was having a not so great day since I missed my workout this morning but I enjoyed relaxing throughout the day. This evening I went to a new place in Newark, NJ to pick up a turkey burger and what my sister ordered (she paid – YESSSSS!!!!). As I went into the restaurant there was an African American man with a sign that said “I’m a hungry vet”. When I came out it was raining and something made me stop and talk to him. I asked if he had eaten and he replied no. I asked if he would be interested in me buying him a meal from the restaurant. He said yes. I went into the restaurant with him I gave him the menu after asking quietly if he could read. He said yes and asked if he could have ribs, rice and beans. I ordered it and as we waited I talked to him. Turns out that his name is Anthony, he is a vet and was in the military for 12 years. He is going through a divorce and now has a heart condition that he was told that he could go on disability for. I told him that I will pray for him and hopefully his life will get better. I got the food, handed it to him, shook hands with him and wished him the best. He was a good person.

Meeting Anthony today made me greatful for all the things I have. I have my health, a roof over my head, loving family and my cats.

To all the Anthony’s out there, thank you for your service!

And for everyone going through something, it will get better just hold on!!